Middle School

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS BY PARENTS OF TWEENS AND TEENS

Who is the most influential person in my child’s life during Middle School?

Parents still have the most influence in their child’s life. You are their role model and they will do as you do. They are watching carefully, model accordingly. How parents respond to stressors in their lives and the lives of their children are the key to emotional well being for their child. For most children, their great fear is disappointing their parents. Provide unconditional love and direction for your child. Every child needs clear limits, without those, children get anxious and move into areas of concern. Remember the three R’s of good parenting – Rules – Rituals – Routines. I know some tweens and teens do not show it, but studies prove they really want to spend more time with their parents.

Who is the parent’s primary contact person in the Middle School?

Your child’s advisor – you may always call my office (925-933-0666 ex 4997), e-mail me (scotteb@sevenhillsschool.org), or call home (925-938-1955). In addition, if you have a question about a particular subject, please call that teacher directly.

What is the homework load in the Middle School? How can I help my child study?

The homework load is thirty minutes per core per night Monday-Thursday. There is math homework over the weekend. Help your child by setting up a cluttered and tech free space to study. After forty-five minutes have them take a break – exercise – play with a pet – draw – play an instrument. These activities relax the part of the brain used for homework. They will come back to their tasks more refreshed and productive. Parents should not pick up a pen or paper – let the child have ownership of their work and trust the student teacher relationship to produce the desired academic results.

What daily ritual will help my child the most with academic work, social relationships, and emotional well being?

Conversation at the dinner table. Children and parents both get a chance to share about their activities, successes, and challenges of the day. It is crucial for your child to know what you do and the challenges you face and how you solved them. Allow your child to teach you their lessons – that is the highest level of learning. Ask questions that will continue the conversation, follow their lead, and nurture their confidence.

What do I do if my child is absent?

Call the front desk to register the absence for your child’s illness. At school, the homeroom teacher will assign a study buddy to collect all of your child’s work/notes/handouts for the day. At the end of the day, the study buddy envelope will be put in your child’s locker. While the study buddy system is good, sometimes things get missed and it is crucial for your child to check in with her/his teachers upon return to school. For absences a week or longer, contact your child’s advisor for additional assistance with teachers.

Why are homework assignments and grades not posted on line?

The Middle School wants your child to work on their organizational skills and be responsible for their learning. While it may be difficult for parents to visualize their child advocating for him/her self right now, this is a crucial time to develop the skills to communicate with their teachers…and for you to have faith in the process. We want your child to realize a lack of organization or failures are temporary conditions, and the child might struggle, and need to demonstrate resiliency to recover. These are exceptional life skills that can be taken away by over involved parents. All children need to experience setbacks and realize they are okay and can get back on the horse. It is acceptable for children to make mistakes, that is how they learn. Our children should not fear failure. The Middle School is a safe place to make mistakes and then begin again more intelligently. On-line information in the form of grades and homework encourages “helicopter” and “snow plow” parents to take over the learning experience of the child, as the parent(s) becomes more responsible for the learning and organization than the student. Sustained student thought and organization can be uncomfortable for those children not asked to do it. Parents have already been in Middle School, it is now time for the child to traverse that path.

What are healthy compliments for my child? What do I do when they make mistakes?

Compliment your child on their hard work or their process. These are much more important than grades or their intelligence. Reinforce they are in complete control of their attitudes and efforts. On the flip side, when children make a mistake, help them to make it right, to face the mistake, and remove shame from the equation. Teach your children a sincere apology, the art of forgiveness, and how to move forward.

What about technology? Should they be involved in social network sites?

Here are some alarming statistics from a teens and technology poll taken in 2010 – the average teenager spends 7.5 hours a day on technology (defined as cell phones, computer, television, and video gaming) – the average teen spends 28 minutes a day reading (Yes, they included their homework time) Middle School children should not have a computer, cell phone, or television in their bed- room (have a family computer in a public space). These seductive and addictive devices fracture their homework time (children are unable to multi-task at this age), lead to a loss of sleep, increase obesity, stagnate emotional growth and well being, and put your children in situations they are not emotionally or cognitively ready to experience. It can take a tween or teen twenty-five minutes to get back on task after a technological interruption. Excessive technology hurts the socialization and cognitive growth process.

I encourage parents to read two books. The Dumbest Generation by Mark Bauerlein– a thoroughly researched book showing how technology has not fulfilled its academic promises of advancing this current generation of middle school, high school, and college students. In fact, just the opposite has occurred. The other book, Totally Wired by Anastasia Goodstein, is a more balanced book showing both the negatives and positives and stating it is a generational issue – adults do not understand the needs/desires of children.

Please do not have your children participate in social network sites designed for adults (Middle School students usually have two sites – one for parents to see and one for their friends to see) – the time suckage is great and the latest brain research shows tweens and teens on these sites are less flexible, less social, and experience little or no cognitive growth – the entire experience actual inhibits social connection and growth. Brain scans of alcoholics and good video game players or social network junkies are almost identical – there is little or no brain activity or growth.

Does my child need a cell phone?

No, if you need your child to carry a phone somewhere (not school), give them a family cell phone with no texting or internet applications. Please do not have your child bring a cell phone to school. Every classroom has a phone. Text messages, IM or instant messages, e-mails, facebook, myspace, and twitters are the new playgrounds for social aggression in children. MS students are so busy checking all these points of social exchange; they are unable to focus on anything else. Tweens and teens do not have the brain development yet for impulse control and rational thinking. This part of the brain does not develop until their early twenties. Why put them in situations designed for adults that will harm their growth?

What if my child says I am the meanest parent in the world? Or I am the only parent that doesn’t allow a certain activity?

You just might be on the right track. Your child does not need you to be their friend…they need a responsible parent. Lead with compassion, but do not become a patsy, follow through and be consistent. If you are wrong, model an apology. Advisors and administration offer wonderful support in this area.

Should my children be reading at night for pleasure?

Absolutely, and you must model the activity. Make sure each evening has a quiet time with all technology put away for reading, writing, or simple reflection.

How many activities/events should I schedule for my child outside of school?

This is the generation of the overscheduled child. Our children need PDF – Play Time – Down Time – Family Time. Year round sports are not emotionally or physically healthy for children of this age. Children need more unstructured play time outdoors and not under the direct supervision of adults. Your child needs time to be a kid. One outside activity is the ideal amount for a tween child. Tweens and teens still need family time on the weekends, perhaps volunteering together to help out the community. Help protect your child’s childhood.

How much sleep does my child need?

In Middle School, children need nine to eleven hours of sleep each night. Parents – sleep is sacred! If they do not snooze, they will lose brain development, memory, and function, experience a spike in irritability, suffer a lower academic performance, and encounter health problems, such as obesity. Sixty minutes before going to bed, there should not be any electronics on in the house. Set a consistent bed time. Children with enough sleep will come to school and have improved brain function, improved auditory learning, gain more creative insights, take on more challenging tasks, and increase their fine motor control. If they do not snooze - they will lose.

My child ignores me when he/she gets in the car at the end of the day. What should I do?

Remember, your child has been on stage with his peers (now perceived as the most important and coolest people in their lives) for over seven hours – throw in seven different classes with seven different teachers, and you have one tired child. Never ask a Middle School student, “How was school?” Give them a few moments to decompress, gather themselves, and ask them, “How was their day?” A subtle difference, but an important one. Some students may even need a quiet ride home in the car and go to their own bedroom to regroup. Give your child that time. At the dinner table, all participants should share their experiences of the day in a family discussion. This is the best place to build the communication bridge.

If you want more information, offer to drive a group of students somewhere with your mouth shut and your ears open. It is truly amazing what you will learn.

What is the best way to help my child achieve success in school?

Research has proven the two most important factors in determining student success is emotional stability in the home and parent modeling of positive social interactions. These two items promote cognition, increased memory, and help develop intelligence. . Currently, there is an epidemic of students unable to take any disappointment in their life. Children need to delay gratification and experience disappointment. This will help develop the weakest muscle in their body – the disappointment muscle. Have your children learn disappointment with the ones they love. Disappointment is a feeling and not an event.

What about tutoring?

In terms of outside help, please no “stealth tutoring”. Your child will learn they do not have to pay attention in class. Do not engage the services of a tutor without the advice of the school administration. No really…I mean it.

What is Super Girl Syndrome?

A destructive, perfectionist model tween and teenage girls develop starting in Middle School. These girls feel nothing they do is ever good enough; they are not involved in enough activities, they do not have enough friends, they are not pretty/popular enough, their straight A grades could be higher, or need to do more community service.

What is the Boy Code?

The Boy Code is a Neanderthal idea of what makes a male a true man; a primitive, homophobic attitude by boys that does not allow them to express their true feelings/emotion, or even show feelings/emotions. Most boys will lose their voice at age four or five. Media supports/glorifies the damaging boy code. A total contradiction to what tween and teen boys need modeled in their lives. Great books to read in Bibliography at end of handout.

Should I be concerned about the media manipulation of my child?

Boys and especially girls view so much aggression on television and in the media. Mean is cool – mean sells. It stimulates children to act in mean ways. The media is also sexualizing our children at younger ages every year to fuel their product consumption. Parents of girls need to be aware of female body image – the media distorts this truth to the detriment of our girls. Have discussions with you family regarding media manipulation and the cultural norms of your family - great dinner time discussions.

Why is my child always picking fights with me? And why do they want to cuddle five minutes later?

Welcome to adolescence. Children pick fights with their parents to help them gain independence and to improve their own decision making process – it is not a rejection notice. These actions, while sometimes maddening, are normal and increase cognitive growth and help develop abstract thinking. Do not act like a wounded teenager, your child is counting on you to act like an adult. Love the child in front of you with a sense of humor and deep breathing relaxation techniques. Five minutes later, your adult child, yearning for independence, still wants to cuddle with you – remember – they are still children. One trick is to talk about potential problems ahead of time and not in the high emotionally charged moment – perhaps this discussion would be more productive later in the day.

How do I help my child when he/she comes to me with problems or frustrations?

The first three things a parent does in this situation is listen…listen…listen. Do not overreact (do not merge your feelings with theirs), think about the lens of your child, stay in the moment, and do not solve the problem. This parent solution shows the child you do not have faith in their decision making process. While your child is talking, nod your head, be an active listener, say back to them what you heard and repeat this procedure until your child says you do understand. Ask them what they are going to do about the situation. Thank your child for sharing. Remember, listening is the language of love. Many times children just need to say the information out loud; they are not looking for parents to solve their issues. Do not offer advice until asked. When asked, do not go into Sermon on the Mount mode. Respect their choices, even if you disagree with them. One of the best ways to learn is to experience failure and then get back up and begin again more intelligently. Often, this process of connecting to their parents while troubleshooting creates a solution for the child or allows some perspective to enter into the picture. These items are crucial for children to learn problem solving skills and resiliency.

How do I help my child with relational aggression issues?

Conflict is a normal part of being in a community. Most conflict is the result of a change and confusion. In each conflict there is danger and opportunity. We are in the opportunity business at Seven Hills – we embrace teachable moments.

Before Starting to Talk With Your Child: Our mission statement – creed – motto must be:

We resolve to STEP BACK SO OUR CHILD CAN STEP UP – WE WILL NOT PUT ON OUR FAULT LENS TO FIND BLAME in our child or some other child. We further resolve not to snowplow the road for our child, as there is great danger in the behaviors of the helicopter parent.

Parents who are overly involved and intrusive at a time when children are seeking more independence and autonomy are doing a disservice to their children. During early adolescence, parents need to intervene much less than they think. Students need to be encouraged to take risks, explore new passions, and make mistakes. If children never experience a disappointment or a mistake at this time in their lives, they do not develop the coping skills to handle a higher stakes situation in the future. We currently have an epidemic of children in this country that can not tolerate disappointment in any form or even making a mistake. Work out that disappointment muscle of your child.

12 STEP PARENTAL RESPONSE PROCESS TO RELATIONAL AGGRESSION

Pre-Step One: Resolve your own relational aggression issues - Our past feelings, attitudes, and actions, especially during adolescence, may shape our present responses to our daughters and sons. We need to be aware of our own biases, needs, and worries. A mental check of our past might be in order to insure unresolved emotions are not driving us to respond in unproductive ways. Many parents ask themselves the same question as children – “Am I normal?”

Step One: Stay Calm – Do not intervene right away as your child gets the message you do not believe he/she is strong enough to handle the situation and only you are able to fix the problems. If you get too close to the situation, you may lose common sense – remember to be constructive. Someone needs to be the grown-up in this dialogue.

Take Time to Listen – “The Power of Being There” – your presence makes a difference – your children see your presence and listening as a sign of caring and connectiveness. Listening is the language of love – you demonstrate honor, love, respect, empathy, and acceptance. And if your child is not ready to talk, respect their privacy – ask them if this is a good time to talk – give them the opportunity to feel as thought they actually bought into the process of dialogue – do not force the issue.

Step Two: Be a Fact Finder – Adopt a non-judgmental attitude as you listen to the story. Step to the side and regain your mental balance – think about the lens of your child. Be your child’s coach. Use active listening. Get all the details. Ask general questions, but do not ask yes or no questions. Paraphrase back to your child what you heard. Help your child with “I-Messages”. Give your child a hug. Validate statements. Give encouragement and motivation that is honest and affirming. Emphasize your child’s strengths. Find courage in their discouragement. Ask them to come up with possible solutions – what he/she would like to say to the girl(s) or boy(s). That is true empowerment of a child. Ask them to be brave and say something to the girl(s) or boy(s). Empower your child to problem solve. Discuss alternatives. Help your child establish boundaries in relationships with girls and boys. Explore new ways of relating to peers – use of humor – body language – exit statements. Discuss positive acceptance and forgiveness. This helps children become their best selves. You are leaving the role of manager and moving towards the role of a consultant. Never rush in and solve the problem for your child.

Step Three: Respect Their Choices - Listen Now, Act Later – This is not the time to talk in volumes and give sermons from the mount – you are not a preacher.

It is our goal to have them gain independence not dependence – we must respect their choices and if age appropriate (not talking drugs and alcohol here) allow the children to make choices and live with the consequences. They will not become good decision makers without making some of their own choices. One of the best ways to learn is by experiencing failure.

If the negative behavior happens a second or third time, it is time for you to intervene as her/his advocate. Involve your daughter or son; do not take action behind their back.

Step Four: Maintain an Objective Perspective – Opening with, “I have been reading a lot about relational aggression and would like to help figure out ways of creating more positive opportunities for our girls or boys,” is far more effective than placing blame. Do not just see things in terms of your own child.

Step Five: - Prevent Conflict from Becoming Physical – Girl to girl physical violence statistics are climbing in American society. Boy to boy physical violence statistics are remaining static. The physical acts of aggression are preceded by verbal and relational aggression.

Step Six: Enlist the Help of Others – Daughter/Son is Not Alone – To help boys and girls develop empathy and practice confident kindness, involve the family, older boys and girls, school, religious leaders, peers, coaches, therapists and other members of the community. Get the child involved in after school activities such as sports, boy/girl scouts, YMCA tutors, after school clubs, music, community service, or other youth groups to help give them a feeling of accomplishment. Use role plays, storytelling, reading, or videos to promote insight into how other boys/girls feel.

Get outside help – Consult with other parents, advisors, administration, and teachers – do not hesitate to schedule a meeting with teachers and the parties involved. DO NOT GET JEALOUS WHEN THE EARS YOUR CHILDREN ARE TALKING TO ARE NOT YOUR OWN.

Step Seven: Teach your child to be positive and constructive – speaking and doing what is right even when it is hard. Role playing is quite important here. Tell your stories of Relational Aggression. Talk about these potential issues before they become issues for your children. All studies show that children want to spend more time with you, not less.

Step Eight: Do not confront the bully or the parents. Relational aggression is a learned trait and the bully at school is usually reared by a bully in the home.

Step Nine: Children need a minimum of nine or more hours of sleep each night - Madeleine Levine – Sleep deprived children are as dangerous as someone who is drunk.

Step Ten: Limit Technology – It is interfering with our children’s ability to socialize effectively – it is seductive and the advertising is even more seductive. Talk openly about media manipulation and the glorification of the “bitch” on television. Mean sells – television supports a culture of meanness 30 -45 minutes a day is plenty according to children’s therapists.

Eat together and make connections about your child’s day. Families who eat together five or more times a week have children that are significantly less likely to abuse substances, drink, have a higher GPA, less depressive symptoms, and fewer suicides.

Step Eleven: All students are invited to a birthday party.

Step Twelve: Parents are not alone – Parents need peer support from fellow parents, teachers, advisors, and administrators. Remember, even into early adolescence, children respect their parents and find them the most influential in their lives.

Short Biography of Parent Books:

Doing School – How we are creating a generation of stressed out, materialistic, and miseducated students – Denise Clark Pope